Forgiving Me

Isaiah 43:18–19 (NIV)

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

I’ve read this verse before, maybe even quoted it.
But lately, I’ve been sitting with it.
Because forgetting the former things isn’t as easy as it sounds, especially when the “former things” include pieces of me.

It’s like I’m carrying pieces of stories I never really finished telling…
Not because I forgot, but because I still don’t fully understand them.
Still trying to understand me.

I’ve had moments where I look back and think,
“Why didn’t I walk away?”
“Why didn’t I speak up for myself?”
“Why did I stay when I felt so unseen?”

And if I’m being honest, those questions still come.
Not out of self-hate, but out of grief.
Grief for the times I didn’t know how to say “No.”
Grief for the silence I thought made me strong.
Grief for the version of me that didn’t believe she deserved better.

I used to think that forgiving others was the hard part.
But it’s the forgiving me that’s been the longest road.
Forgiving myself for what I tolerated.
For what I made excuses for.
For the ways I abandoned myself while trying to be enough for everyone else.

But God’s been patient with me.
He hasn’t rushed my process.
He hasn’t rolled His eyes at my back-and-forth healing.
He’s just… been there.
Quietly present.
Faithfully close.

There are days I still feel the sting of what happened.
Days I still question if I’ve really let go.
But I’ve started whispering back to my own heart:
“I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m still becoming.”
I deserve to be chosen, by me.

It’s hard, but I’m starting to see that healing doesn’t mean erasing the past.
It means choosing to step into the new thing God is doing
It means trusting that my scars don’t disqualify me from becoming the woman I’m meant to be.

So no, I’m not fully healed yet.
But I’m not who I used to be either.
I’m somewhere in the middle—

Holding God’s hand while learning how to hold my own heart a little more gently.

_______

“You are not your mistakes,
You are more than the choices that you’ve made.”
— Nichole Nordeman, “Dear Me”